Cutting Loose
by eboncat
Summary: Short scribble about FemShep coping with being off the radar for two years, and the repercussions for her relationship with Kaidan. May be added to later, but for now it's an un-beta'ed unedited fic written in under two hours. Rated M for language.


_So, my first piece was going to be a Dragon Age fanfic, but I have been playing through ME 1 and 2 and got inspired by my fem shep so here is a small scribble about my overstressed under loved Shepard after her meeting with Keidan on Horizon._

_Pre warning, I have a terrible memory for lines, and I tend to treat cannon with less respect than it probably deserves as a result. There will be quotes from some of the more memorable conversations, but my work will be more flavoured by the original work rather than verbatim. _

_Hints, tips and constructive criticism very welcome, I am very very rusty lol. _

_Here goes, enjoy!_

_-Eboncat_

The fish in the giant tank that dominated her quarters did nothing to soothe Shepard's frayed nerves, truth be told they rarely did these days. Just another thing that was no longer the same in her fractured world.

She always used to love watching fish when she was young. The colony had a small lake that teemed with fish when she was growing up, and when she was upset or angry she would go and sit on the moss covered rocks a the south end of the lake and watch them for hours. Back on the old Normandy her screen saver on her personal terminal had been fish. A guilty secret that only _he_ knew. He had come up behind her once after a briefing and caught her staring at her favourite scene with the little silver fish darting around the brightly coloured coral. It was not long before Ilos, just before they finally admitted how deep their feelings were for each other, he had ribbed her about it for hours after seeing her sitting there watching the screen, occasionally tapping the little silver shapes as they darted out from behind a rock or piece of coral. He teased her as only he new how, with utmost respect for rank and protocol but making her blush and laugh none the less. He had told her that she had better not let the Wrex see her terminal or he might try to eat it... or think she had gone soft.

She sighed, swallowing the lump in her throat that threatened to suffocate her and pressed the button on the side of the tank that dropped the food across the surface of the water. Damned if everything she looked at didn't remind her of _him, _of everything she had had, then lost in the blink of an eye.

She turned back to her terminal and frowned at the screen saver on this screen. Nothing personal here, just the damned Cerberus logo hovering around. She swiped her fingertips across the screen, dissipating the emblem of the organisation that had pieced her broken corpse back together, and stolen her life. Taking a deep breath she sat down and re read the email that _he_ had sent her earlier that day.

She started to feel light headed and realised that she had been holding her breathe again. She slowly inhaled, then let out a shaky breath, once again trying to let herself be angry at the words as she read them for what had to be the hundredth time.

She traded Ash's life for him, hell she had traded HER life for him and Joker!...

But it had been over two years, he had to move on...

But he didn't even listen when she tried to explain...

But she was working with Cerberus now, it didn't matter that she wasn't working FOR them...

But two months ago she had everything, and now she was a husk, a zombie of Cerberus' design. And he had moved on. He could only give her a "one day maybe" when she was about to go kill herself again for the good of the galaxy.

On and on the arguments went in her head until she thought she would scream or put her fist through the picture of _him_ that sat on her desk. Choking back a sob she stood so fast her chair toppled over. She walked into her en suite, the thought echoing distantly in her head that she had to keep it together. She couldn't let her crew see her like this. She had to stay strong, to keep them together, to keep them safe... to keep them alive. Self pity and confusion had no place in the life of a team leader such as her. She had to be the paragon, the foundation that her team was built on or they could never succeed in their mission. It was just too big. Too much was riding on her ability to lead.

She could do this, all she had to do was make it down to the observation deck and grab the bottle, then make it back to her quarters, then she could steal an hour or two to be human. In her quarters. Where her weakness would not affect her squad.

She splashed water on her face, rolled her shoulders, cracked her neck and strode out of the room.

When she got to the observation deck, Kasumi was blessedly absent. Leaning on the bar, she shook her head, mentally chiding herself for letting the thief set up her temporary quarters in such a communal area. Pouring a draft of the acidic blue liquid on the bar, she resolved to find the girl another, more private place to sleep. She slammed the liquid back and poured another shot, wandering over to the window. The immense blackness and the barely audible hum of the power core worked in tandem with the strong Turian spirits she was drinking, and her shoulders relaxed a little as she leaned her forehead on the cool re-enforced glass.

Lulled by the hypnotic view, thoughts of getting royally drunk in her room melted away until she heard a tiny noise behind her, she felt herself sway slightly as her battle trained reflexes caused her muscles to tense at the noise. Slowly she moved her head back just enough to see the reflection of the intruder in the glass.

"Ya know Commander, I know a really good hiding spot that I use when I wanna drown my sorrows, down near the engine room. Course I don't often need to, being the awesome example of of piloting perfection that I am, but sometimes the damned AI drives me to drink..."

Joker sauntered across the room stopping a few feet away from Shepard, looking out the observation window instead of her. The thought drifted through her head that the Cerberus nano treatment was working wonders if the pilot was able to walk quietly enough that she didn't hear his footsteps. She felt a surprising burst of happiness at the thought. Her and Joker had never really been friends, but she respected the determination he had displayed, to overcome the pain of his illness to become one of the best pilots in the Alliance.

"I also have something far more befitting an angry living legend than that swill, and I'd be willing to share it with ya if you could see your way to authorising my mute button being fixed." He shot her reflection a roguish grin.

Shepard sighed and met his eyes in the glass, "I could use something better than this 'swill', but I have to warn you I may not be the most enjoyable drinking buddy today Joker." She rolled her eyes and drained the glass in her hand, shuddering at the taste.

"'s ok Commander, you can't be any worse than listening to Edi prattle on all day freaking long, I swear that electronic bitch is on a mission to drive me insane." He turned to look at Shepard, looking pensive. "Besides, I'm pretty sure I know why you need to get hammered, and no one can blame you. As for me, I just wanna forget that we are going to look at my favourite lady smeared all over a huge chunk of ice tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, this ship is a beauty, but the old Normandy, our Normandy, she was poetry in motion... She deserves a salute before we officially lay her to rest."

On their way down to the engine room, Shepard warred with herself about the wisdom of drinking with her pilot. By the time the lift reached the floor they were after, she realised that she simply didn't care. Joker was one of the few people on board who she had known from _before_, and at least he wasn't a part of her combat squad. And he kept to himself most of the time. When they stepped out of the lift, Joker took a left and stopped at a door that Shepard hadn't even realised was there. He keyed in a code and the door hissed silently open to reveal a small empty supply room. He took a bottle of ice brandy from a shelf and sat gingerly on the floor, patting the space next to him. He took a swig of the brandy, and once Shepard had sat down as well, handed her the bottle.

Some time and a sizable quantity of ice brandy later, Shepard and Joker sat in companionable yet morose silence, broken only occasionally by Joker commenting on his beloved original Normandy, and Shepard muttering about _him..._ _Kaidan... _and her mental list of pro's and con's. The bottle was almost empty when Joker swivelled around to face Shepard, a bleary sombre look on his face.

"Yyya know C'mander... I never did tell ya prop'ly, an' I sshhoulda done... but tthhank you for ssavin my life even if ya broke my arm in the prossses." He reached over and took her hand in his, playing absent mindedly with her fingers. "An' I think itsh damned unfair the way Alllenko treated ya on 'orizon... You saved uss all an' ya gave up a lot for uss... sspeshially me with the dyin'... an' I'm pratlin' on like that sstupid AI..."

Shepard looked up at him, shaking her head. "Oh Joker, I didn't save everyone... I..." She shrugged, now knowing what else to say. She had tried, but it had all slipped away. Everything that her and her crew held dear had crashed and burned with the Normandy. Twenty of her crew hadn't even made it off the ship.

He let out a huge sigh and looked up from his hand that was still playing with her fingers, Shepard was surprised to see tears trickling down his cheeks.

"I jussst wanned ta say that you're a helluva Commander, and a damn good friend Sshhepard, anyone who trrriess to tell ya otherwise is fffuckedupp!" He held the bottle up and looked up, eyes struggling to focus, "To losht love, Sshhep'rd, weather it'sh a human or a sshhip!"

Joker knocked back a healthy swig and pushed the last of the brandy into her hands. He waited for Shepard to finish the bottle and leaned back against the wall, pulling her along with him so she was tucked under his arm. He leaned his chin on her head and hugged her tight.

As she sat there cradled in Jokers arms, gently rocked by his shuddering sobs under her cheek, a single tear slid down her face.

For the first time since she woke up in the Cerberus lab she realised that she was not alone.


End file.
